Yesterday I reached a point I haven’t hit in a long time – the end of my tether.
There was nothing wrong with yesterday, the whole day had gone to plan. Baby B had both eaten and slept well all day, I’d had a nice visit with a friend and had done some housework, so there was really no reason for me to feel this way.
And yet I did.
It came to bed time and Baby B decided she just wanted to play with me despite being overtired. I looked at her and for a fleeting moment I wondered what on earth I had done thinking I could handle being a mother. Her face was smiling up at me and I had an incredibly selfish thought of how life would be simpler had we not decided to become parents.
I’m not proud of this moment, it fills me with guilt that the thoughts even entered my mind. But in those few seconds that was how I felt.
And then I saw a post on Facebook from a famous mum blogger about how each person is ‘done’ at some point. Reading through the comments on this post I realised that I was not alone in the world. Every mother reaches a point sometimes, sometimes for no reason at all, where they just don’t have anything left to give. This doesn’t mean they don’t love their children.
I adore Baby B and enjoy the majority of my time with her, but I know that it is OK for me to have moments where I don’t feel overjoyed. Moments where I question myself and my abilities. I am human. The real strength comes from pushing through these moments and coming out the other side. From doing what needs to be done when in reality I want nothing more than to walk away for an hour and pretend it isn’t happening. It’s OK for me to want an escape from time to time, to need to recharge my batteries so to speak