I realise I haven’t written for a while, and my last posts were very much on the negative side.
I’m happy to say things are looking up now. Some major changes have happened in our lives and it has brought things together, or started to at least.
Firstly, I threatened to leave D. After my last explosion at him he still didn’t seem to get just how miserable I was and 2 weeks later I lost it again, but this time I didn’t get angry. I let him see how defeated I was, let him see the misery rather than the anger, and showed the numbness that was growing inside of me. I didn’t shout, I didn’t swear, I just stood with my hands in the kitchen sink and said that I was done, that I couldn’t do it anymore. And I think that levelness hit him like a ton of bricks and a bulb switched on somewhere.
He has made some major changes in his reactions to things, in how he treats both me and Baby B. And it has made a huge change in our relationship, there is still work that we both need to do but there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is hope. In this time frame there is nothing more I feel I can ask for.
We have now had Baby B’s palette repair operation as well. It all went well and looks like it has been successful. She’s babbling all sorts of words and sounds now and has fully recovered. The few days after the operation were hard, the first 24 hours in particular. Baby B was in so much pain and the nurses were struggling to get it under control which meant she was in no way cooperative and ready to start eating. This led to IV fluids being put in which of course was fun and games with an 11 month old! On the day after the operation she woke up much more like her old self and we were able to get enough fluids and food into her that they were happy to discharge us.
Once we got home each meal time would become a battle of wills. Baby B is so independent when it comes to food and we were struggling to feed her pureed food as instructed by our cleft team. She hasn’t mastered the art of feeding herself with a spoon yet and was fighting us feeding her every step of the way. There was shouting, crying, thrashing, physically knocking the spoons out of our hands, and outright refusing to eat. It caused a lot of stress to us and after a few days of this I had to make a decision – I threw the rule book out the window and decided to go back to baby led weaning. This ended all of the stress instantly, we only had to watch to make sure she wasn’t putting her fingers too far into her mouth and touching the stitches.
I made another decision too. While I am enjoying working with the Body Shop at Home, I am not yet making enough to have as my sole income and need to go back to work. We’ve powered through quite a big chunk of our savings recently on things that either needed replacing or fixing before hubby is made redundant, and it has left us with very little and a bit nervous should anything else need doing. As such I’ve started the job hunting process.
It’s difficult. I’m looking for very flexible jobs which I can fit around D’s working hours so that we can avoid any childcare costs and maximise what I’m actually bringing home. I’m not a proud person when it comes to finding work and I will do whatever I need to in order to help pay some bills off and top up the savings. I have my fingers crossed as I’ve managed to get an interview for a McDonald’s store quite local to me – a much lower position that my previous but needs must. It does mean I will be sacrificing a lot of our family time too. When Dave is home on the weekends I will (hopefully) be working, with the odd day off to spend time together.
I will be able to update on that one soon as the interview is next week!